Lesbian Relationship Ends on a Good NoteI got an e-mail from a friend the other day. I wrote about her and her former partner deciding to reconcile in a previous post that I can't seem to find. (Big shocker) She wanted to let me know that despite their best efforts to make it happen, it wasn't meant to be and didn't work out for them.
What impressed me the most was how she presented it to me. It wasn't the typical crap I tend to hear when there is a break-up: the other person was an evil villain who was horrible who victimized her, blah, blah, blah. Instead, this sweet lady said about her break-up:
I feel empowered because I made the decision less because she was 'wrong' and more about what wasn't right for me. In other words, it wasn't anti-her...it was pro-me. It is a slight difference, but it is a important shift. I am committed to not over functioning and getting the support and love that I need and deserve. And that begins with restoring the love affair I have with myself. So I am good.
Wasn't that refreshing? Healthy? Kind?
Sometimes, it's okay to date someone, even for a long time, and then realize that despite feeling love and affection you have, they are not the best match for you. It's not that there is anything wrong with them, it's that you are looking for something different and you don't want to settle. Things you can't know after just dating for a few months.
When you make the decision that you love yourself enough not to settle for less than you know you want, it doesn't mean you have to hate that person first in order to let them go. It doesn't mean you have to sell your reasons to others so they don't blame you or think badly of you. If you are smart enough to walk away from comfort and security in exchange for staying true to yourself, you can still honor the person that you have been with by not making it seem as though they had blame in it.
More ProofI reconnected with an old friend recently who ended things with her girlfriend while we were apart. I asked her why and she had an equally lovely answer. I'm paraphrasing but she said something to the effect of "I honor her as a person and I didn't want to change who she was. But all of those things that you don't like in a partner, that's what our mutual friend, so-and-so, calls 'The price of admission.' Sometimes, you just don't want to pay that price."
The price of admission? Hmmmm.
I mentally took that metaphor for a test drive and loved the way it handled my neuropathways.
- I don't want to pay because I realize I've seen this show before
- I've become emotionally bankrupt from being in this show and I can't keep paying
- I don't want to pay because I don't like horror flicks
- I don't want to pay because this show is not very entertaining, anymore
- I don't want to pay because I work in this show and someone should be paying me
Anyway, I have become fascinated with why people who love their partners and seemed thrilled with the relationship one day can be rejected by said partner the next day and suddenly, the person who rejected him is the devil. They will not stop talking to anyone who will listen about all their faults. They hold themselves up as a victim to be pitied. (See my previous post for more about these types).
It is SO NICE to hear from two people who had ample opportunities to drag their exes through the mud and go the way of other less introspective people, but chose to stay on the high road. After all, the view is so much better up there and both of these women moved up a few notches in my book of classy friends. I am so glad to see these healthy examples of how to handle the end of a lesbian relationship.
May it be a lesson for all of us.