Monday, July 7, 2014

It Starts With A 'D', Aunt Mama

Tonight, I was talking to my 13 year old niece, Mackenzie.

She was bringing me up to date on how she is spending her summer, the pool that she frequents and the many delights of Chinese take out.  

Then, she suddenly remembered that she was doing a thing tomorrow...

Mackenzie: "Guess where I'm going tomorrow?"

Me: "Ummmm, to an ashram to take a systematic course in ancient techniques of yoga and kriya?"

Mackenzie, "No.  It starts with a 'D', Aunt Mama.  It has to do with teeth."

Me: "A dungeon?  You're going to a dungeon to get your teeth knocked out by a professional torturer?"

Mackenzie: "No, Aunt Mama!  I'm going to the dentist... sheesh!"

Thursday, July 3, 2014

Big Girl Panties

I know some of you are mighty entertained by the new woman in my life.  (Almost as much as I am.)

She is an ultra, high-femme girly-girl who has more estrogen than the entire Dallas Cowboys Cheer-leading squad.

I.... don't.  

I can barely muster enough estrogen to generate an occasional period.

Oddly, though, we get along surprisingly well.  So well, in fact, that her things have been steadily migrating into my house.

It all started back in the winter when I noticed glitter in my bed.  The more I continued to see her, the more her things began finding their way into my home.  

And it's not that I mind at ALL.  In fact, I love it.  

I love the notes from her and the hearts she draws in the dirt on the back window of my SUV.  And I loved the surprise I got today when I opened my underwear drawer to discover that it is now our underwear drawer.

My underwear could not be happier to be in the company of her lacy panties.

Wednesday, July 2, 2014

There's an App for That

The other day, I went to the Verizon store to upgrade my phone since I was long overdue for one.  Kelly was with me because:
  1. She is passionate about phones
  2. She is passionate about apps
  3. She is passionate about me and wants to do lame things with me like upgrade my phone at the Verizon store
I got the latest iPhone. 

Kelly spent the rest of the day picking out apps for me, setting up my accounts, and choosing backgrounds and wallpapers.  It's like she was moving into my phone and planning to live there for the rest of her life.

Although I appreciated her work, I deleted most of the apps she installed.  

(Really, will I ever use "Pretty in my Pocket" or "Pink Nation"?)

Yesterday, I was doing some work on my thesis paper when I heard a sound like Tinkerbell from Peter Pan flying into the room.  I looked around expecting to see the glow of a green fairy land on my shoulder and magically give me 10 more pages of progress with the sprinkling of pixie dust.  

Instead, I saw the glow of my phone light and realized that my girlfriend was calling me.  The fairy chimes were the unique, girly ring tone that she had assigned to herself. 

I had to laugh.  

It was another one of those moments when I realized that in so many special ways (from glitter in my bed to having 30 bottles of products in my shower), she leaves her own unique mark on everything... including my new phone.

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

Moms Are Sexy

This morning, Kelly & I were spending quality coffee time together before I went to my classes.  I hated to leave her but it was time to go.  

I kissed her goodbye and headed towards to door.  As I got down the hallway, I got to hear her inner mom come out when she called after me, "Have a great day at school, Honey.  Make good choices..."

Wednesday, June 25, 2014

Decorating With Kelly

Kelly and I have been talking quite a bit about the future which inevitably leads her to talk about living together and one of her favorite subjects: DECORATING!

Honestly, I couldn't care less about decorating.  The very word gives me the shingles.
  • I think about wasting money buying things that may or may not look good together when I get them home.  
  • I think about how I will likely get sick of looking at the new stuff or somehow ruining it ("This is why we can't have nice things!").  
  • I think about how I have never in my life purchased curtains - or should I say "dust collection devices"? 
I think about how much I hate an object sitting on a clean, flat surface and cluttering it up and how bad I feel when I go to someone's house who has an ENTIRE CURIO CABINET full of chotchkies just sitting there looking useless and irritating me.
I judge these people for wasting their money on useless crap that sits there having it's rent paid for while it does nothing to earn its keep.  (Much like a teenager)

Now, however, love has brought me to the place where I am talking about decorating our future home with someone who is passionate about it. 

Not just talking about it, but she started a joint, private Pinterest page for us to share decorating ideas that we love with each other.  

Okay, 99% of the pins are hers but sometimes, I pin a modern looking chair to demonstrate my engagement.
You see, our tastes are slightly different.  

My design aesthetic is clean lines, light, modern wood, skulls and red, black and grey color pallets.  

Hers is traditional, heavily patterned, curvy shapes and full of pillows.  

(Note: I have actually written about my decorative pillow hatred in the past.) 

But credit must be given where credit is due.  

This sexy femme of mine has actually found a meeting of the minds and sent me some pieces that she thinks will be a good compromise for both of us.  Take a look:

Exhibit A: A Traditional Chair

She got me to concede that a curvy, traditional chair might be cool to have as long as it had a SWEET skull on it!  I had no idea they made these.  And not just this one, but also these:

Exhibit B: Decorative Pillows

Oh, damn, she's good!  

I literally feel resentful when I go to someone's house who has a lot of decorative pillows in my way.  Its almost as if they don't really want for me to be comfortable sitting on their couch where I have to compete with 30 other pillows for some space.  But Kelly used my skull love and combined it with my favorite color red to get me to agree on these.  

Well played, my love.  Well played....

Exhibit C: Combining modern with traditional, curves with clean lines

This is a dining room that she pinned.  See the cleverness of her mind, here?  She again sneaks in the exact chairs that I would normally hate due to their traditional look.  But because they have cool silver/gray colors and are paired with modern, red flooring, a modern table and modern fixtures, I am again lured approvingly into her world of decor.

This sweet girl is more than a pretty face, a great rack and fantastic sense of humor.  She is also one of the smartest, most intuitive people that I know.  I am starting to picture the wonderful home that we could live and love in together one day.  

Things are about to get interesting here...

Tuesday, June 17, 2014

Getting Stoned

I had a great getaway this past weekend with Kelly and she got to attend her first Joan Jett concert.  (pics to come later)

Yesterday morning, I was getting ready for class and looking at her laying in bed wearing my t-shirt and looking so damn cute.  I said, "I had a great time with you this weekend, baby girl."

She smiled and replied, "I know!  Do you realize that we did things that we could get stoned to death for in other countries?" 

I so love her unique outlook on things...

Wednesday, June 11, 2014


Since I paid a boatload of cash in student fees this semester, I decided to take advantage of seeing my school therapist, Tanya.  If you remember, I started seeing her last year to help me deal with my grief when my dad got sick as well as the end of my marriage.

I stopped seeing her near the second half of last semester because I was super-busy and because I was moving forward in a positive direction.  I was in a happier place and she had given me some excellent coping skills to use when I felt like I would be consumed by the thought of letting Dad go.

But a few weeks ago, I started to notice that I still had a few unresolved issues that were causing me to look at my relationship with my girlfriend through the dirty lens of my last one.  

Although she is nothing like my ex, I was drawing parallels and pushing her away.  I tried to list the reasons in my mind why she would not be "the one" that I would end up with. 

When she confronted me with this and told me she felt that I was broken by my last relationship, I took it to heart because she is not the first girl that I have dated since my relationship with my ex ended who has said that I pushed them away.  

I don't want to go around dating, making connections with people, then rejecting them when there is nothing wrong with them.  I do not want to hurt anyone and I know that I have.  It hurts me to think about it.  

And how lame does it sound to say, "It's not you, it's me"?  Ugh! 

I had to examined myself and my motives so I returned to Tanya to ask for her help.

As she directed me to consider why I was still so angry at my ex (thus holding her hostage in my mind), I had one of those light bulb moments in life where something just crystallizes in your mind and you actually reach a true understanding that you know will help you be a better person from now on.

I feel slightly embarrassed to admit that although I have always heard the advice "Never sacrifice your own happiness for someone else's", it had a different meaning to me.  

I would hear that and think, "Why wouldn't you?  Isn't that what love is? Sacrifice?"  

Well, I am here to say that HELL NO, it is NOT what love is.

My ex never asked me to do all of those things for her, or to give up what I wanted to do to accommodate her wishes.  I did them willingly because I loved her and wanted her to feel special and know that there was nothing I would not do for her.  

But I realize now that:
  1. It didn't do anything positive for the relationship
  2. I gave up my own happiness for hers - and she still wasn't happy
  3. It artificially propped up a relationship that should have ended long before
  4. When I was in that deep and had that much time, energy and money invested, I kept trying to make it work long after we were both unhappy.  
It just felt wrong to walk away from all of that work, everything that I had invested.  

I imagine it is how people who followed their dream to open a business and they put their life savings and all of their time and love into the business.  It takes off and has an exciting beginning but then tapers off.  Month after month, they see a decline.  At some point, they have to give up and let it go.  It must hurt so badly to admit failure and walk away from something that they loved so much.

I can clearly see now that it was my own damn doings, not hers.  It was my choice to put myself in this position and open myself up to this damage.  It was me who decided to give trust when trustworthiness was already in question.  

I was trading these things for hope.  

I had hoped to build an amazing life with her.  I had hoped to grow old with her and enjoy our grand kids together and travel the world with her.  I had hoped to die together, holding hands in a nursing home in our sleep.

When my sacrifices didn't pay out the trade-off that I was expecting, I felt bitter and angry towards her.

I am happy to report that I let that shit go last week.  

And when I did, I started seeing my girlfriend in a totally new way.  

I am not afraid that she will bring the same problems into the relationship with my ex that I was never able to solve.  I am not afraid that she will become unhappy and want to go. Then return. Then go. Then return...

I know I still have some work to do but what a huge thing for me to realize.  I know that as long as I keep my own needs and my own happiness a priority, I will never feel like I am too invested in something that I can't just walk away if it no longer makes us both happy. 

If my happiness makes her unhappy, she is free to leave and I am fine with her going.  

If my pursuit of my happiness makes her feel jealous or insecure, I will not change to accommodate her problems.  I will reassure her of my love, but then she will have to deal with it.  After all, it isn't my problem to handle. 

This has been so incredibly freeing for me... I can't even begin to express how glad I was to have had that conversation with Tanya and for her forcing me to look at the issue and stop feeling angry at my ex for something that I did to myself.

I happily let it go, divorced myself from that marriage and am ready to move forward with my life with new ideas about what type of relationship I want in the future. 

And my girlfriend?  She is totally on board.

Tuesday, June 10, 2014

Sex on the Beach

Sorry, I got SO busy with school that I didn't finish the post I was working on.  

But I felt guilty for telling you to stop by this morning so here - enjoy...

Monday, June 9, 2014

Thanks for the Siesta, Bitchachos!

Phew - that was a much needed siesta, Bitchachos!

I had a wonderful learning experience in my Publishing for New Media class (remember, I was getting graded to blog?)  I learned all about SEO keywords and analytics.  It was fun (and creepy) to see where my visitors were coming from, how long they were staying and what they were looking at.  

I got to make a cool spreadsheet breaking it all down into the most minute components, such as IP addresses and networks that visitors were logged into.  (Some of you log in from work - your bosses would not approve!)

Still, you fine bitches got me an A in my class and my readership went up exponentially.  

Although I wanted to take the summer off from blogging so I could finish my last few classes and write my thesis (and work on campus), my science class/lab is much easier than I expected and the thesis is humming along.  Since I have more time than I anticipiated and you all did so well for me with your visits, I didn't want to make you wait until August to hear from me again.  

So tomorrow morning, you get a brand new post and it's going to be good so get your big girl panties on and be ready to read.


Wednesday, May 14, 2014

Adios, Bitchachos

I've decided that as fun as this blog was, and as useful as it was to me to sort through the things going on in my life, and to ruminate out loud about the things that I ponder, I'm going to shut it down for a while and focus on finishing my last semester and writing my thesis.

I may or may not be back but you can always use the contact form to send a message.

Wishing you all well....


Tuesday, May 13, 2014

Walking Alone

Do you ever contemplate the sadness of walking life alone?  
Although you may have friends and family that can walk with you for a while, you realize that they have their own friends and family and you know it's not possible for them to walk with you the entire journey?
Even though you could make it alone, sharing the joyful moments of your journey with someone you really love is the happiness that a good life is made of.  
It reminds me of that scene in "Jerry Maguire" where he had his big night but he couldn't enjoy it because his wife wasn't with him.  He's telling her (in front of a room full of women) that he realizes that his happiness is now contingent upon having her presence to share it with.  

(Wasn't that sweet?)
Not only do you suffer walking alone by having nobody to share your basic life joys with, but you also know that when you suffer a heart-break (and you WILL), there is nobody with you to comfort you.  
When you feel no hand rubbing your back and have no body to just be physically present, be certain that your sadness becomes multiplied. 
Walking alone is hard and with each passing year, I have greater tenderness in my heart for those who must do it.  It will never be my desire to walk alone but sometimes, it's not up to us.  For those who must do it who don't want to, my heart goes out to you. 
Love and light.

Monday, May 12, 2014

Quick Lesbian Vacation

Yes, I am still working on a blog keyword project so you are going to see the word "lesbian" in my posts, even when they seem irrelevant.  It's my way.

Lesbian Beach Vacation

1. We arrive at the beach!  Doesn't she look happy?  (and hot?)  I posted this on my Facebook wall and it was *quite* popular.  Apparently, all people like boobs and these got everyone's attention. 

2. The balcony had a unique harbor and ocean view.  Directly below us, we got to see these boats and a lot of sea-kayakers doing some successful fishing.

3. I took her shopping and we saw this sensual, lesbian mermaid watercolor. It reminded me of my friend, Kimber, so I snapped this pic and texted it to her.  She wants this to be her next tattoo and I heartily approve.

4. A shout out to big, jacuzzi tubs that allow for long conversations in hot baths with pretty girls.  A highlight of my relaxation for certain!

5. At dusk, we went to dinner with my brother at the best seafood restaurant.  I had a grouper stuffed with soft-shell crab - it was so delicious!  This is how beautiful the harbor looked when we left:

6. A lesbian vacation would not be complete without a dose of homophobia.  When we stopped for a bathroom break in Alabama, we saw this truck with this crazy, anti-gay marriage sculpture in the back:

I had to laugh because I am dating the sweetest girl who is extraordinarily positive and kind to everyone.  She doesn't get angry so when she saw this, she said, "I wish I could meet the person who made this because I would say to them, 'That isn't very nice' and then I would kiss you in front of them!" 

(That's about as bad as it gets with her...)
I now feel rejuvenated.  A ginormous thank you to my parents and brother for allowing us to stay in their beautiful condo and recharge before my last semester begins next week.  

I am extraordinarily lucky to have the life that I do and the support that I have.  Life is good.

Wednesday, May 7, 2014

Years of Love Have Been Forgot...

I don't know why I have never seen this quote until recently when I stumbled across it on Pinterest

I'm one of those people that sees something or has a conversation with someone and it stays with me and I find myself thinking about it so much that in order to find out what I really believe, I know that I must write about it.

This quote was one such inspiration.

Think about the profoundness of it:

The years that people spend loving each other, serving one another, praying for each other, having a physical connection, putting their interests ahead of your own, building a life together and taking steps to ensure their closeness, keeping your word and building trust - it's all what people who love each other do.  

And yet, in a single moment of anger, it can go up in flames like the striking of a match.

Every step you took together, every sacrifice you made, every thing that you gave up, every friend that got put on a back-burner - it can all go away because of selfish anger.

Take care that your emotions do not rule your tongue.  Anger only lasts for a moment, but the consequences of the decisions you make while you are angry can last for a lifetime.  

Don't allow your selfish need to give full vent to your anger in a way that destroys trust and love.  You can do it in small increments over a period of time or you can do it with one, angry utterance of "I hate you and I wish you were dead" - but they both lead to the same thing: 


Sunday, May 4, 2014

Taking a Break Before the Home Stretch

This past weekend was the start of a much-needed break before my summer (and final semester) of college begins. 

I spent Friday mowing my lawn and my dad's lawn, running errands and enjoying the warm weather. 

On Saturday, I slept late for the first time in a long time.  I met a friend that I have known since 4th grade for sushi and we caught up on much (but not all) of what was going on in our lives.

When my girlfriend came over, we went to dinner and then met two of my friends from school at a club where we had a few drinks and some wonderful conversation.  In fact, it was one of those nights where we didn't get to bed until 4am.

We slept a few hours and got back up to meet two more friends for brunch - trying to catch up on their lives and letting them meet the new person in mine. 

I even had my ex-husband over today to help me trouble shoot a problem with a new ceiling fan he installed for me.  When it was a simple matter of resetting the remote control, we both looked at each other and burst out laughing and I thought, "This is good." 

Only 6 years ago, when I came out of the closet, he wished me dead.  Now, we hug each other and help each other and we laugh at each other. He met my girlfriend a few weeks ago and then again today, they were chatting like pals.

These are the types of things that recharge me during a semester break. 

Yes, I hustle to get the house back in order and clean. I usually have a garage sale to raise money for my tuition and  catch up on all of the small issues that need to be taken care of.  But the most important of all:

I try to reconnect with the people that I love but don't often get to see when I'm taking classes and working 5 days a week.

The people in my life, the dearly beloved friends and family that I have deep connections with - they recharge me in a way that I cannot describe. 

The main thing that my father's illness has taught me is to love the people in your life and do not take them for granted.  I really want to make time for them.

For the next two weeks, I will be doing more visiting, reconnecting, building, resting, recharging and especially loving. 

Oh, and Florida beach condo, here I come...

Monday, April 28, 2014

A Big, Gay Wedding

All you need is love

This past Saturday night, I was honored to be a witness to a beautiful exchange of vows between two men who are in love.

Jeff and David, the groom and groom, stood in front of their family & friends and recited their vows to each other.  

They pledged to come into the marriage without expectation of what the other could bring to them or do for them.  Instead, they pledged to love the other enough to strive to meet the needs of their partner.

It was also mentioned that Jeff and David had to have their legal wedding in California a few months ago so it would get legal recognition in the United States and so David would qualify as a military spouse to receive those benefits.  

As I thought about the trouble and expense that these men had to go through - to travel to marry away from their family and friends, and then come home and do it again for everyone else - it just made me mad that we still have to deal with this shit.

A lesbian relates

At the party, we watched an amazing video tribute to Jeff and David. We heard their families and friends give toasts to the grooms. Jeff's best friend was especially inspiring and I related to what he said.

He said that 2 years ago, he and Jeff were out having cocktails and reeling from recent break-ups. 

(I could relate)

He said that Jeff told him that he doubted that he was ever going to be in another relationship again - that maybe he just wasn't cut out for it.

(I could relate)

He said that Jeff talked about having a date planned for the following week and having no expectations that it would turn into anything.

(I could relate)

When they spoke again, Jeff was surprised and cautiously optimistic about how well the date went.

(I could relate!)

After dating a few months, Jeff knew that he loved David and that he was a "hot tamale" -
(Well, David is handsome, but I'm not in love with him.)

Still, I have recently come to know that feeling of "Can this be happening to me?  I was not going to do this again.  Can I be falling in love with someone after the ass-whipping that my heart just took?"

So yes - I could relate.  


Meanwhile, the guy in the floral print jacket below here is Max.  He is in this post because:
  1. He is ROCKING that floral print jacket.  You can't see it but he also has the cutest blue shorts on.  In addition to this jacket, he has fashion BALLS to show up looking like this.
  2. He is so sweet and I have loved getting to know him over the past year.
  3. He and Kelly really hit it off.  Here she is helping to clear his chakras. These two are all about energy and their exchange left me smiling from ear to ear. 

Gay marriage is coming

It was beautiful, inspiring and so very special for me to share in Jeff and David's big night.  I was truly honored to be a part of it.

I am hopeful that, as a lesbian, I will some day be able to stand in front of my family & friends and marry the woman that I love and be recognized as equal to every other married couple in Georgia.

I am putting it out there in the universe that I want to have a legally recognized marriage in my home state, Georgia, where last week, several couples filed lawsuits to challenge the constitutionality of Georgia's ban on same-sex marriage.

So far, in every state that has challenged such laws, they have all been overturned and ruled as "unconstitutional."

Could another big, gay wedding be on the horizon?  Whether it's Max, me or someone else, it's happening. 

The Gay Marriage Train is coming, everyone.  Choo-Choo.