For the last 6 weeks, I've been struggling.
Everything conflicts for me right now.
At times, I care greatly. Other times, I want to throw my hands up in the air and just go lay down somewhere until I'm gone from this place.
Sometimes, I feel completely alone and become aware of just how much my dad filled in the gap. Now, when he would be the first person I would turn to for advice and comfort in a crisis like this, I can't. I need to be there for him to turn to. And it doesn't bother me to be there for him at all... I just feel totally inadequate to offer a fraction to him of what he has given to me over my lifetime.
The next person that I would turn to would be my ex-wife. She's gone. It didn't work out and there is too much anger there for her to be in a place where she can comfort me or that I can feel safe with her. And I hate that because she was so instrumental in helping me to get through the death of my grandma 5 years ago. But she has her journey and I have mine. I didn't ask for it but it is my reality now.
In fact, my reality is this: the few people that I ever really connected with are not accessible to me for whatever reason. They have their own lives and relationships to maintain. I am an island. I am surrounded by people who care, but I could not feel more on my own than if I were the last person on the planet.
Nobody feels my intensity. Nobody really knows what he means to me. Nobody knows what I need. I don't even know what I need...
Yesterday, I went to Dad's house to see him and do a few chores. As I was leaving, he had visitors and they asked him how he was doing. He said, "Today is the first day where I feel like something is different."
If Dad says it out loud, I can't pretend that it's business as usual. I have to also acknowledge that he's slipping from my grip. And it's SO hard to do this alone, surrounded by people who care but feeling like nobody is really there.