Wednesday, October 16, 2013

What Comfort?

For the last 6 weeks, I've been struggling.  

My dad has a terminal illness.  He is and always has been my best friend.  I am suffering, panicking, grieving, hoping (then feeling hopeless), overwhelmed, frustrated and struggling with apathy.  I'm tired. 

Everything conflicts for me right now.

At times, I care greatly.  Other times, I want to throw my hands up in the air and just go away.  

Sometimes, I feel completely alone and become aware of just how much my dad filled in the gap. 

Now, when he would be the first person I would turn to for advice and comfort in a crisis like this, I can't.  I need to be there for him to turn to.  And it doesn't bother me to be there for him at all... I just feel totally inadequate to offer a fraction to him of what he has given to me over my lifetime.

The next person that I would turn to would be my ex-wife.  She's gone.  It didn't work out and there is no possibility that we can ever be friends.  I hate that because she was so instrumental in helping me to get through the death of my grandma 5 years ago.  But she has her journey and I have mine.  I didn't ask for it but it is my reality now.

In fact, my reality is this:  Nobody feels my intensity.  Nobody really knows what he means to me.  Nobody knows what I need.  I don't even know what I need...

Yesterday, I went to Dad's house to see him and do a few chores.  As I was leaving, he had visitors and they asked him how he was doing.  He said, "Today is the first day where I feel like something is different."  

If Dad says it out loud, I can't pretend that it's business as usual.  I have to also acknowledge that he's slipping from my grip.  And it's SO hard to do this alone, surrounded by people who care but feeling like nobody is really there.

1 comment:

Akum said...

There are times when everything seems dark but you should never give up. Have a great day ahead!